나는 왕이로소이다(2017년)
아침 다섯 시 쯤이었다.
I Am the King, Hear Me Snore (written 2017)
It was around 5 a.m. on a Monday morning when I opened my royal eyes in our Brooklyn palace—er, apartment.
Waking up earlier and earlier each day seems to be one of the perks (or curses) of aging. Just last year, I was still greeting the day around 5:30 or 6:00. But now? I’m up before the birds have had their first worm.
I glanced sideways. Her Majesty was also awake.
"Did you sleep well?" I asked out of sheer habit, not expecting a Shakespearean soliloquy.
A groggy voice replied, "No."
Uh-oh. The royal skies just turned gray.
It all made sense. The Queen was still shaken from a little incident that had happened the night before—right before we left the New Jersey estate to head to Brooklyn.
The plan was: after a short royal visit to the Brooklyn outpost (to prepare my weekly supply of survival rations and deal with other matters of state), Her Majesty would return to New Jersey. She was on royal babysitting duty that week while our eldest daughter and her husband gallivanted off to Colorado.
Just before departure, Her Majesty realized she needed her royal sunglasses—essential for noble solo driving. Naturally, she began tearing apart the castle to find them. When her search on the lower floor failed, she charged upstairs to the chamber where our daughter’s family resides.
There, she found our son-in-law in the middle of a noble diaper-changing operation with young Prince Desi. In an effort to locate the missing shades, she accidentally distracted the young father just long enough for little Desi to roll right off the diaper station—at chest height—and land with royal thud on the floor.
I wasn’t there, but when she told me what had happened, I nearly dropped my crown. I can only imagine the royal chaos at the scene—especially for the Queen, who did witness the fall (unlike the poor son-in-law, who had turned away just in time to miss the entire coronation… I mean catastrophe).
After calming the prince and collecting herself, Her Majesty climbed into the royal chariot—where I had been waiting patiently, idling nobly—and recounted the entire tale. Her voice lacked its usual sparkle.
Her heart was clearly tangled in a royal mess of guilt, worry for the little prince, and embarrassment about the whole thing.
Before we even hit the Palisades Parkway, she asked me to stop the car (yes, I am the royal chauffeur, thank you very much). She needed to call our daughter before merging onto the highway—just in case.
Apparently, the Queen had already contacted the royal pediatrician. The advice? Let Desi sleep. Then check his eyes in four hours. If they’re still looking in the same direction, you’re probably fine.
When we got to the Brooklyn apartment, and just before bed, we received word that the young prince appeared unharmed. I, the seasoned king who’s battled through five kids’ worth of medical emergencies, slept like a baby that night.
But the Queen? Not so much.
Her mind was still galloping through the events of the day, the guilt, the imagined stares of judgment from her daughter and son-in-law, the sound of that tiny royal body hitting the floor. She tossed and turned through the night. Her royal life force had been utterly drained.
I knew I had to do something.
So I decided: I’d finish my work early and drive Her Majesty back to New Jersey myself.
Yes, I would once again don my noble chauffeur’s hat. A loyal Kim-gi-sa, at your service.
Sure, it meant I’d have to wake up again at 5 a.m. the next day to return to Brooklyn, but come on—I’ve been doing this for over 20 years. It’s practically tradition.
As we set off in the car, I turned to Her Majesty and said,
“Your carriage awaits, my Queen. I shall deliver you safely and swiftly to the New Jersey palace.”
I, humble driver though I may be, was king that day.
For I am the man who married the Queen.
Yes indeed—
I am the King.
(Because becoming a king is surprisingly easy—just marry royalty!)
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